


ivy

by hyuckwei



Category: SF9 (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Growing Up Together, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Pining, Unhealthy Relationships, lapslock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-13
Updated: 2018-12-13
Packaged: 2019-09-17 19:52:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16980771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyuckwei/pseuds/hyuckwei
Summary: chanhee thought he was dreaming when taeyang said he loved him.





	ivy

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by ivy - frank ocean ; sorry if this fic doesnt make any sense i was half asleep and wanted to write some angst and this has been done for like a month now and i jus now put this out there :] enjoy!

_i thought that i was dreaming when you said you loved me_  

 

 

 being childhood best friends for ten years did not include mind reading in the package. especially when one of them was always quiet and reserved. so it’s hard for chanhee to decipher just what went on in taeyang’s mind sometimes. but his friend had obvious facial expressions at times, like when he was disgusted or looking distant. it was usually the latter, taeyang would always have a distant look on his face, no one really knew what was up with him as they grew up around him. it was hard for people to tell what was going on in his mind, his face was always blank and his speaking was monotone.

 

 chanhee always knew better, though. even if he couldn’t always tell what his friend was thinking about, he could read his expressions easily. he could tell what emotions his friend was feeling after years of being around him. it’s just, this time, he didn’t. out of all the times chanhee was sure when taeyang felt upset, his lips would tighten and his eyes were cold. chanhee learned that emotion quick, like when he had told chanhee the boys in his 8th grade art class would poke fun at him. 

 

  because he was always touchy and affectionate with chanhee and always held his hand when leading him to class. because he would only show emotion to his friend only they assumed chanhee was his boyfriend and teased him for it as if it was a bad thing. taeyang ignored him for a whole month, keeping that same expression whenever he’d see chanhee around. he soon came back, though, saying he needed chanhee even if it meant some mean kids would mess around with him for it. chanhee only smiled that day, ruffling his friend’s hair as if he was the older one and not the other way around. 

 

 when taeyang was happy, his eyes were bright and the sides of his lips quirked up ever so slightly only chanhee would notice. like the time when they were 8 and chanhee has bought him a whole kit of art supplies so taeyang would fill up his free time without his best friend to practice his art skills. taeyang was always the happiest whenever he was drawing. chanhee knew that. but he didn’t know taeyang was the happiest when he had started drawing chanhee. 

 

 when taeyang was disgusted. his nose would scrunch up and he would squint. trying alcohol chanhee had snuck from his parents for the first time when they had turned 16 and it was his birthday. chanhee suggested taeyang should live a little and drink a sip. he ended up totally hating the bitter taste of beer, cursing whomever created such a disgusting liquid. chanhee just laughed.

 

 when taeyang was angry and hurt. he’d keep that same distant look on his face, opposing to his eyes screaming for someone to help him get over this pain. his eyes were always the most expressive, chanhee would think. like the time taeyang had come to his house at a late night, 12, face blank and eyes bloodshot. obviously freshly done crying. his arms covered in scratches. taeyang’s parents had fought again, getting more violent and taeyang believed hurting himself would help. chanhee immediately pulled him into a hug and reassuring him it would be okay. it only became okay when taeyang had chosen to live with his mother just to continue seeing chanhee everyday. even if his mother was distant. he had chanhee.

 

 but for some reason, chanhee didn’t notice this particular emotion. he never did. he always seemed to miss it whenever taeyang had shown any signs of it. always assuming taeyang just didn’t like anyone that way. even after taeyang had grown out of his lacking expressions after middle school, listening to chanhee’s advice so he’d seem more approachable to others. chanhee had taught him to keep his guards down for once. but when taeyang had pushed chanhee against the door of their college dorm at the ripe age of 18, chanhee could only gasp. 

 

 “i love you.”

 

 chanhee wasn’t stupid. he knew his friend didn’t mean it in a friend kind of way. he couldn’t even joke with him saying he knew taeyang loved him as best friends should, they were friends after all. knowing how fragile his friend was, he couldn’t go through with it. he thought that he was dreaming when taeyang had said those three meaningful words to him. 

 

 he could only stay quiet. slowly watching his friend’s heart break at the lack of response. the only sounds in the room was just their breathing. it was deafening. yet chanhee, like the idiot he was for taeyang, not even knowing how to feel. he kissed him. he kissed his best friend. even though he didn’t know if he even loved him back that way, he felt compelled to grab him by the face and kiss the living daylights out of him. 

 

  _the start of nothing new_

 

 so taeyang took his first kiss and first time that night. they moved fast, he knew. but they didn’t change their status as best friends. no matter how much he knew, behind those sad puppy dog eyes taeyang held, taeyang wanted to be more than just friends. but chanhee told him to wait, that he was still confused.

 

 but he knew that they both wanted to be each other’s first everything as best friends, he’d said the night taeyang had silently asked if it was okay to touch each other so sensually for the first time. chanhee, despite his stupid, stupid self knowing how much it would hurt taeyang, had said it was okay to do this. they were best friends. they’d do everything together, that this was apart of growing up.

 

 taeyang told chanhee he was his muse one day. chanhee, again, was quiet. he felt his heart hurt and his cheeks heat up. a feeling of butterflies in his stomach appearing. but his cowardice only let him stay quiet and nod silently at a disappointed taeyang. if only he had said something.

 

 then there was the ugly pit in his stomach forming every time chanhee would see taeyang talking to someone else. he could feel himself shaking in anger every time his oblivious friend would carelessly accept conversations with strangers at a bar or let them touch him subtly. not before the ugly green monster inside of chanhee told him to pull taeyang away from the situation. 

 

 taeyang would never protest, instead admiring the small things chanhee did for him. sometimes chanhee would kiss the pink scars from long ago on his arms. taeyang would say chanhee wouldn’t look as ugly as _he_ did with all these scars but the younger protested. he was his muse for years already after all he was perfect to taeyang no matter what.

 

 of course, taeyang had always been handsome. but had he always been _this_ handsome? chanhee would muse to himself when he would watch taeyang with a concentrated expression as he drew the younger. 

 

  _i could hate you now, but the feelings still deep down, it’s good_

 

 

slowly, taeyang was getting tired though. not of chanhee, but waiting for him. he barely saw any progress between the two of them. it hurt him. it hurt him to know chanhee knew, it hurt him to know that whatever they had now would never progress to anything more.

 

  “are you just using me?” taeyang asked one night, holding chanhee in his arms as he blankly stared at the ceiling above him. they were both 21 now, nearing their freedom from college. sometimes, the two were busy. either with their jobs or school, they lived together now after moving out of the dorms. but they’d find time to see each other in the midst of their now busy lives. chanhee, being the coward he was to admitting his feelings, just stayed quiet. he could feel taeyang’s fingers slightly grip his arm.

 

 “i’m leaving soon.” taeyang muttered finally. chanhee could feel himself freeze up, “i got accepted to be an intern at the art studio i’ve always wanted to work at in the states. i have a choice between going there or here.”  _i’m tired of waiting, you made your choice i made mine_ ’ is what chanhee interpreted from taeyang’s words. a sick feeling was shot down his spine. taeyang was leaving him. he had gotten tired of him. the silence always bothered taeyang.

 

 “that’s it? you still won’t say anything. you’re just going to let me go like that?” taeyang laughed. it was bitter. there was no humor in his tone, only bitterness and sadness, “so much for being best friends.”

 

 he could no longer feel the warmth he longed for by his side anymore. so he laid there, feeling dirty and cold. taeyang was busy crying his frustration out in the bathroom. chanhee gripped the bedsheets, ignoring the tears running down his cheeks. 

 

 taeyang should hate chanhee. should hate him for always leading him on and allowing him to fall deeper in love with him. he should hate him for acting like he cared. chanhee had found taeyang sleeping on the cold bathroom floor and laid a blanket over his body. he sat there, running his fingers through the elder’s hair solemnly. 

 

chanhee should stop wallowing in his own self pity. he’s been ‘confused’ for 4 years now. he wished taeyang didn’t kiss him back.  no matter how much he had denied it, he knew he loved taeyang back. but he knew it was far too late now. still surprised taeyang had so much patience, but he was always like that since he was a kid. chanhee’s always been his rock, yet he had failed him now. 

 

  “i love you.” chanhee felt snot dribbling down his chin as he cried and cried. he held his knees to his face as he continued to cry over the fact that he finally accepted falling for his best friend. his best friend who had numerous portraits of him in his sketchbooks hidden deep inside his shoeboxes in the closet. his best friend that had come to him when his parents fought. his best friend whom he drank his first beer with. his best friend who gave him his first kiss and his virginity. his everything. 

 

_i broke your heart last week you’ll probably feel better by the weekend_

 

 

 “why are you crying? you look ugly.” taeyang said before hollowly chuckling. chanhee looked up at the handsome boy. he pulled him down by the collar and kissed him. it’s been awhile since he has initiated it first. the last time was when taeyang went off to speak to some woman about arts and all chanhee could see was red. he really didn’t deserve taeyang. 

 

“i don’t deserve you”, chanhee said between breaths as taeyang pressed him against the dirty rug under them and kissed him with passion. 

 

“i know.” taeyang muttered, allowing chanhee to engulf himself into his arms. 

 

they laid there for awhile. it was silent, neither of them spoke but they still had their legs entangled into each other’s. their lips were swollen and red, but they didn’t care. taeyang continued to stroke the strands of soft hair belonging to chanhee gently, kissing the to of his head. 

 

“im sorry.” he finally said, looking up at the elder with a sad smile on his face. taeyang could only close his eyes, holding onto the boy tighter,

 

“i know.”

 

taeyang did not end up leaving chanhee behind like the younger expected. instead, they continued on. slowly, but surely, chanhee warmed up to the idea of being taeyang’s partner.

 

taeyang couldn’t ask for anything else besides his boyfriend’s loving arms coming through the door after a long day at work. chanhee was finally his after years of pining. 

 

 


End file.
